Eat a Caesar Salad today. And watch your back!
In college I wrote for The Paladin, the school’s weekly newspaper. One of the dumb things I contributed to the Arts & Entertainment section was horoscopes. Below are my contributions from my sophomore year.
You’re not going to be able to talk about this weekend without using the word “toilet” a lot.
On second thought, maybe the idea of a rapping homophobic version of the Village People was kind of silly after all.
You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain Steve Urkel for life.
Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
Thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy, you will look as good in a hundred years as you do today.
I recently saw the E! True Hollywood Story on Herve Villechez, the midget from the television show Fantasy Island. Did you know that in addition to being a talented actor, he was also a sculptor, poet and accomplished yachtsman? Herve, us simple peons hardly knew ye…
You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Just a reminder that God will return for you sometime in the near future. Be sure to offer snacks. He has been gone a long time, and I’m sure he’ll be hungry. Be courteous.
OK, the week ahead will be trying, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel rewarded for hard work, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel some doubt but move on, blah, blah.
You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won’t follow it.
Your college will inherit millions of dollars from a wealthy alumni. Half of that money will be used to fill up the pond. The other half will be used to fill it to the brim with swans. However, this will be to your benefit since your full-time job will be to keep the animals in the water at all times.
Some people think Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but I think that he’s just plain offensive.
You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words “fiery,” “dynamite” and “vengeance” in your letter to George W. Bush.
You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science fiction convention.
Say, it sure has been a wonderfully warm winter this year. If I had it my way, all winters would be this balmy. Hooray for global warming!
When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you’d take some if you liked it, but you don’t. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad, you jerk.
Put it back. Don’t look at Aquarius like you don’t know what it’s talking about. Put it back. Now!
Stephen Hawking had an amazing life. World-renowned physicist. Best-selling author of A Brief History Of Time. An appearance on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
RIP Stephen Hawking
How did this movie get made without anyone dying?
This movie featured over 100 untrained lions, tigers, cougars, cheetahs, and other dangerous animals. Seventy cast and crew members received injuries.
“Like watching a live-action ‘Lion King’ while Mufasa holds a switch-blade to your throat.” — Complex
“Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era—the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run . . . but no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant. . . .
History is hard to know, because of all the hired bullshit, but even without being sure of “history” it seems entirely reasonable to think that every now and then the energy of a whole generation comes to a head in a long fine flash, for reasons that nobody really understands at the time—and which never explain, in retrospect, what actually happened.
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty nights—or very early mornings—when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at a hundred miles an hour wearing L. L. Bean shorts and a Butte sheepherder’s jacket . . . booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which turn-off to take when I got to the other end (always stalling at the toll-gate, too twisted to find neutral while I fumbled for change) . . . but being absolutely certain that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were just as high and wild as I was: No doubt at all about that. . . .
There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda. . . . You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning. . . .
And that, I think, was the handle—that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting—on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. . . .
So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark—that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back.”
Been stuck on World 8-2 the past few years. Tonight is historic.
Calling it now.
This guy will be named Person Of The Year. He served in the Third Marine Division in Vietnam. No bone spurs.