From The New York Times
From The New York Times
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they’re very good at it.
A man was recently getting a physical. The doctor said, “You have to stop masturbating.” The man asked why. The doctor responded, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
My dad asked me the other day, “Are you even listening to me?” I thought it was a weird way to start a conversation.
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They’re always taking things literally.
You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law, right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but they don’t have any matches. One sailor throws a cigarette overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
When does the punchline become apparent?
After the delivery.
A woman is sobbing in front of her husband’s casket. A man leans into her ear and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” she says.
The man stands up straight, clears his throat, and says “Plethora.”
“Thanks,” says the widow. “That means a lot.”
The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?
Because if they lifted both legs they’d fall over.
Why do geese fly south in the winter?
Walking takes too long.
What did the Buffalo say when his son left him?
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
What is the most important part of a joke timing.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
What’s blue and isn’t very heavy?
“Because these things are so popular and such solid network-television programming material, we’ve decided tonight to start our own Top 10 list”
From the book Toddlers Are Assholes:
In college I wrote for The Paladin, the school’s weekly newspaper. One of the dumb things I contributed to the Arts & Entertainment section was horoscopes. Below are my contributions from my sophomore year.
You’re not going to be able to talk about this weekend without using the word “toilet” a lot.
On second thought, maybe the idea of a rapping homophobic version of the Village People was kind of silly after all.
You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain Steve Urkel for life.
Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.
Thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy, you will look as good in a hundred years as you do today.
I recently saw the E! True Hollywood Story on Herve Villechez, the midget from the television show Fantasy Island. Did you know that in addition to being a talented actor, he was also a sculptor, poet and accomplished yachtsman? Herve, us simple peons hardly knew ye…
You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Just a reminder that God will return for you sometime in the near future. Be sure to offer snacks. He has been gone a long time, and I’m sure he’ll be hungry. Be courteous.
OK, the week ahead will be trying, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel rewarded for hard work, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel some doubt but move on, blah, blah.
You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won’t follow it.
Your college will inherit millions of dollars from a wealthy alumni. Half of that money will be used to fill up the pond. The other half will be used to fill it to the brim with swans. However, this will be to your benefit since your full-time job will be to keep the animals in the water at all times.
Some people think Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but I think that he’s just plain offensive.
You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words “fiery,” “dynamite” and “vengeance” in your letter to George W. Bush.
You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science fiction convention.
Say, it sure has been a wonderfully warm winter this year. If I had it my way, all winters would be this balmy. Hooray for global warming!
When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you’d take some if you liked it, but you don’t. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad, you jerk.
Put it back. Don’t look at Aquarius like you don’t know what it’s talking about. Put it back. Now!