“Deep Thoughts” By Jack Handy

“If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let em go, because, man, they’re gone.”

“Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.”

“Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.”

“Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is, is a wounded seal trying to swim to shore because JUST WHERE DOES HE THINK HE’S GOING?”

“If I had a mine shaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it. There’s got to be a better way.”

“I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. No paint.”

“I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.”

“When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.”

“I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.”

“One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.”

“If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”

“I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake!”

“Most of the time it was probably a real bad thing being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, ‘Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in THAT’.”

“I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.”

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seems that way.”

“If you go to your boss’s house, wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife? Trust me, it’s not.”

“If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting.”

“If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.”

There’s also the amazing obituary Jack Handy wrote for himself. Originally published in The New Yorker.

Jokes!

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re very good at it.

 

A man was recently getting a physical. The doctor said, “You have to stop masturbating.” The man asked why. The doctor responded, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

 

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

 

What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

 

My dad asked me the other day, “Are you even listening to me?” I thought it was a weird way to start a conversation.

 

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They’re always taking things literally.

 

You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law, right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

 

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but they don’t have any matches. One sailor throws a cigarette overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

 

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

 

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

 

A woman is sobbing in front of her husband’s casket. A man leans into her ear and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” she says.

The man stands up straight, clears his throat, and says “Plethora.”

“Thanks,” says the widow. “That means a lot.”

 

The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

 

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they’d fall over.

 

Why do geese fly south in the winter?

Walking takes too long.

 

What did the Buffalo say when his son left him?

“Bison.”

 

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

 

What is the most important part of a joke timing.

 

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

What’s blue and isn’t very heavy?

Light blue.

Horoscopes

In college I wrote for The Paladin, the school’s weekly newspaper. One of the dumb things I contributed to the Arts & Entertainment section was horoscopes. Below are my contributions from my sophomore year.

———————

You’re not going to be able to talk about this weekend without using the word “toilet” a lot.

On second thought, maybe the idea of a rapping homophobic version of the Village People was kind of silly after all.

You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your beloved teen center will not mature along with you.

The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain Steve Urkel for life.

Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.

Thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy, you will look as good in a hundred years as you do today.

I recently saw the E! True Hollywood Story on Herve Villechez, the midget from the television show Fantasy Island.  Did you know that in addition to being a talented actor, he was also a sculptor, poet and accomplished yachtsman?  Herve, us simple peons hardly knew ye…

You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Just a reminder that God will return for you sometime in the near future.  Be sure to offer snacks.  He has been gone a long time, and I’m sure he’ll be hungry.  Be courteous.

OK, the week ahead will be trying, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel rewarded for hard work, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel some doubt but move on, blah, blah.

You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won’t follow it.

Your college will inherit millions of dollars from a wealthy alumni.  Half of that money will be used to fill up the pond.  The other half will be used to fill it to the brim with swans.  However, this will be to your benefit since your full-time job will be to keep the animals in the water at all times.

Some people think Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but I think that he’s just plain offensive.

You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words “fiery,” “dynamite” and “vengeance” in your letter to George W. Bush.

You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science fiction convention.

Say, it sure has been a wonderfully warm winter this year.  If I had it my way, all winters would be this balmy.  Hooray for global warming!

When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you’d take some if you liked it, but you don’t. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad, you jerk.

Put it back. Don’t look at Aquarius like you don’t know what it’s talking about. Put it back. Now!