The Profane Poetry Of Zhang Zongchang

  • He was nicknamed “The Three Don’t-Knows” because he didn’t know how large his army, treasury, or harem was.
  • He started assigning numbers to his concubines because he couldn’t be bothered to remember their names.
  • He brought his elderly mother along in parades and consulted her for campaign advice.
  • He “accidentally” shot the cousin of former Chinese emperor Puyi while cleaning his rifle. It was most likely because the cousin was banging one of his concubines.
  • Before a battle, he promised that he would either come home victorious or in a coffin. He lost the battle, so he returned being paraded in a coffin, smoking a large cigar.
  • When there was a drought, he went to the storm god’s temple to pray for rain. When he entered the temple, he went up to the statue of Zhang and slapped it, saying “Fuck your sister! How dare you make Shangdong’s people suffer by not giving us rain!” The next day, he ordered his artillerymen to fire into the sky until it rained. It rained the next day.
  • After seeing a basketball game for the first time, he asked “Why the hell are they fighting over a single ball? We’re the hosts, are we seriously this poor?” He ordered all the players be given a basketball.
  • After a battle, there wasn’t enough gold and silver to make medals for the officers, so he had makeshift insignia fashioned from the colored foil paper lining the insides of cigarette packs.
  • He found out one of his officers was having sex with a concubine of his. When he confronted them, he found out they loved each other and let them marry.
  • His penis was allegedly as long as a stack of 86 silver dollars (~9.31 inches).

These are the poems of Zhang Zongchang (dubbed “China’s Basest Warlord” by Time):

“Poem About Bastards”

You tell me to do this
He tells me to do that
You are all bastards
Go fuck your mother

“Praying For Rain”

The sky god is also named Zhang
Why does he make life hard for me
If it doesn’t rain in three days
I’ll demolish your temple
Then I’ll have cannons bombard your mom

“Untitled”

Someone asks me how many women I have
I really don’t know either
Yesterday a boy called me ‘dad’
I don’t know who his mother is

“Lightning”

I saw lightning in the sky
It’s like God wants to get lit
If God isn’t lighting up
Then why is there lightning?

“Visiting Mount Tai”

From afar, Mount Tai looks blackish
Narrow on top and wide at the bottom
If you flipped it upside down
It would be narrow at the bottom and wide on top

“Visiting Pengai Pavillion”

What a pavilion
Place is fucking nice
If the gods can get here
I’ll take a seat too
Have a drink by the window
Sing some songs to the ocean
Play some cards
I think I’ll get drunk