Jokes!

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they’re very good at it.

 

A man was recently getting a physical. The doctor said, “You have to stop masturbating.” The man asked why. The doctor responded, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

 

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

 

What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

 

My dad asked me the other day, “Are you even listening to me?” I thought it was a weird way to start a conversation.

 

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They’re always taking things literally.

 

You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law, right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

 

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but they don’t have any matches. One sailor throws a cigarette overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

 

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

 

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

 

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

 

A woman is sobbing in front of her husband’s casket. A man leans into her ear and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” she says.

The man stands up straight, clears his throat, and says “Plethora.”

“Thanks,” says the widow. “That means a lot.”

 

The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

 

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

 

Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they’d fall over.

 

Why do geese fly south in the winter?

Walking takes too long.

 

What did the Buffalo say when his son left him?

“Bison.”

 

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

 

What is the most important part of a joke timing.

 

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

 

What’s blue and isn’t very heavy?

Light blue.