Horoscopes

In college I wrote for The Paladin, the school’s weekly newspaper. One of the dumb things I contributed to the Arts & Entertainment section was horoscopes. Below are my contributions from my sophomore year.

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You’re not going to be able to talk about this weekend without using the word “toilet” a lot.

On second thought, maybe the idea of a rapping homophobic version of the Village People was kind of silly after all.

You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your beloved teen center will not mature along with you.

The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain Steve Urkel for life.

Remember that trying to please everyone is impossible, except perhaps in the case of everyone just wanting you to stop singing showtunes at your desk.

Thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy, you will look as good in a hundred years as you do today.

I recently saw the E! True Hollywood Story on Herve Villechez, the midget from the television show Fantasy Island.  Did you know that in addition to being a talented actor, he was also a sculptor, poet and accomplished yachtsman?  Herve, us simple peons hardly knew ye…

You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Just a reminder that God will return for you sometime in the near future.  Be sure to offer snacks.  He has been gone a long time, and I’m sure he’ll be hungry.  Be courteous.

OK, the week ahead will be trying, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel rewarded for hard work, blah, blah, blah. You’ll feel some doubt but move on, blah, blah.

You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won’t follow it.

Your college will inherit millions of dollars from a wealthy alumni.  Half of that money will be used to fill up the pond.  The other half will be used to fill it to the brim with swans.  However, this will be to your benefit since your full-time job will be to keep the animals in the water at all times.

Some people think Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but I think that he’s just plain offensive.

You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words “fiery,” “dynamite” and “vengeance” in your letter to George W. Bush.

You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science fiction convention.

Say, it sure has been a wonderfully warm winter this year.  If I had it my way, all winters would be this balmy.  Hooray for global warming!

When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you’d take some if you liked it, but you don’t. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad, you jerk.

Put it back. Don’t look at Aquarius like you don’t know what it’s talking about. Put it back. Now!